


The Courtship of Princess Agatha

by Ampithoe



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Feminism is the theory lesbianism is the practice, Feminist Themes, M/M, Sisterhood is Powerful, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch Is Gay for Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:35:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23109337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ampithoe/pseuds/Ampithoe
Summary: Baz is the Prince of the Kingdom of Pitch and Simon is just the goatherd's boy.  What will happen when they vie for the hand of the beautiful Princess Agatha?
Relationships: Penelope Bunce/Agatha Wellbelove, Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 19
Kudos: 95





	The Courtship of Princess Agatha

**Author's Note:**

> Look out! There be spoilers in them there tags.
> 
> I'm grateful to [Mo](https://peachpit-mo.tumblr.com/) for this gorgeous art of Prince Baz and Simon the goatherd's boy.
> 
>   
> 

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess named Agatha, who was lady of the fair land of Watford, and it was time for her to choose a partner to rule the land with her. Among her suitors were Simon, the goatherd's boy, and Prince Baz, of the Kingdom of Pitch. She knew not how to choose between them, so she went for advice to her handmaiden, Penelope. Penelope said, “You don't need to choose now. We'll spend a week and watch them every day. Let them bring you their gifts and show you their skills, and you can choose the best companion. ”

When the two suitors first met, Simon said to Ebb the goatherd, “I don't see how I can ever beat Prince Baz! His hair is black and smooth like silk, and his skin is white and sweet like milk, and I'm rough and tanned from the sun and the wind.” And Ebb the goatherd said, “We will see what we will see.” And Baz said to his squires Dev and Niall, “He's not very clean, and he's not as tall as me, and he's got the manners of a goatherd, so I don't see how this could be a problem.” But at night all he saw was bronze curls and blue eyes. And Agatha said to Penelope, “well, this parade of male beauty is nice to look at, but we've got some governing to get done.” And Penelope made some lists and gave some advice, and it was all managed very well.

On the second day, Prince Baz drew on his wealth and brought fragrant wood and limes from a far land. Simon, who was poor (but kind), brought a baby goat. Simon said to Ebb the goatherd, “I don't see how I can ever beat Prince Baz! He brought exotic fruit and fragrant wood and they smell so fine and all I have is this baby goat. Who, to be honest, I might smell a bit like.” And Ebb said, “We will see what we will see.” And Baz said to his squires, “He's got the manners of a goatherd and he's spotted like his goats and I don't see why she's even considering him.” But in his dreams spotted goats jumped and played and made his heart glad. And Agatha said to Penelope, “The goat is very cute, and I like all these luxury goods, but honestly I'm beginning to get tired of being nothing but a means to an end.” And Penelope was a good listener. 

On the third day, they wooed her with music. Simon sang a simple song that he had heard Ebb sing to the goats, a country lullaby. Baz played tune after tune upon the lyre. Simon said to Ebb the goatherd, “I don't see how I can beat Prince Baz! He plays tune after tune, and it's all so beautiful, and all I have is a simple lullaby.” And Ebb said, “We will see what we will see.” And Baz said, “That bumpkin has never had a music lesson, and I don't see why he's bothering.” But the simple lullaby soothed his inmost heart. And Agatha said to Penelope, “These serenades are well and good, but I'd rather listen to your conversation.”

On the fourth day, they strove at athletics. They played foot-the-ball and Baz was swift, strong, and sure. They fenced with swords, and Simon was powerful and determined. Simon said to Ebb, “I don't see how I can ever beat Prince Baz! His entire body is powerful and elegant. All I'm good for is chopping things to bits.” And Ebb said, “We will see what we will see.” And Baz said, “Okay, he might be a bit strong, and he's brave for sure. But I have technique and finesse. There's no way she could prefer him.” But in his dreams they wrestled, and Simon pinned him to the ground and would not give way. And Agatha said, “Well, they're both very strong. But really, I've got my men at arms and a large household staff and my partner won't need to do the heavy lifting.” 

On the fifth day, there was a banquet with many courses of delicious foods. And Simon said, “I don't see how I can ever beat Prince Baz! He was raised in a palace and has manners to match, and I was raised in a goat shed, and it shows!” Ebb said, “We will see what we will see.” And Baz said, “The man is an animal. He chews with his mouth open, there are flecks of food in his teeth, and he uses his sleeve as a napkin.” But when he slept, his dreams were a parade of the most beautiful animals – tawny spotted leopards, curly golden poodles, and blue birds against white clouds. And Agatha said to Penelope, “I think Simon took four servings of roast beef, and I'm not sure Baz ate a thing. I don't know which is weirder. Would you pass the scones?”

On the sixth day, Princess Agatha hosted a masquerade ball. Simon wore red wings and a red tail. Baz wore an elegant black silk cape and prosthetic fangs. Penelope wore sensible shoes and helped with the washing up.

On the seventh day, they all waited tensely for the pronouncement of Princess Agatha. And Agatha said, “I have decided who I need beside me. I need someone wise” (Baz thought, _That must be me, Simon is an idiot_ ) “someone graceful” ( _Still definitely me, Simon could trip over his own feet_ ) “someone organized and efficient” ( _That...might be me? It's certainly not Simon_ ) “someone with more sense than testosterone” ( _Wait a minute..._ ) “I need my handmaiden, Penelope.”

Simon and Baz burst out at once. “No!” cried Simon. “It must be Prince Baz! He has the finest of taste, he's swift and he's strong and he's musical and he's smart as a whip and his eyes are gray like the clouds before a storm!” And Baz cried “No! If it's not me, it must be Simon! He may be the goatherd's boy, he's a fucking nightmare, but he's a beautiful spotted beast and you can't do this to him!”

And Simon looked at Baz. And Baz looked at Simon. And they both thought that maybe administration wasn't their forte or their dream after all.

And Ebb smiled to herself.

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
